Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I understand Curling. That high.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
