i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
