Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
