Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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