jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
