I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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