We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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