you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
