How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
That accounts for only three of the penises
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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