Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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