so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize