I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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