My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
