I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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