Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
