How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize