Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize