Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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