i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
