I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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