I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
