He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
