he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm bleeding and have questions
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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