I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
