Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
