Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
