get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
