my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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