gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
