I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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