Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
bring money and cleavage
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
