I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
