Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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