When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize