you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
