I wish my penis had an off switch
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
