Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
