Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
