Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
