OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
