Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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