Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
