i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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