Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
