I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
