just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
