Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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