i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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