I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
