OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Houston, we have a squirter
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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