I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
