You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
