i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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