remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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