have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
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