Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
