i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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