Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
