Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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